Building an Insanely Satisfied Life – Start with the True You

To create true satisfaction in life, we must start with the basic building blocks of self. Fulfillment cannot be found outside of ourselves – getting a new job, house, car, spouse, or wardrobe will never bring deep and lasting satisfaction.

Most of us know and believe this – at least intellectually. Yet, it’s so hard not to focus on the “yes, but, if only” of circumstances and outside conditions. Surely a new job with a more understanding boss, or a partner with whom we fight less, or a diet to improve our body image is all we need to feel satisfied with life. The truth is, these “dissatisfactions” are signs pointing to our own inner turmoil – the sore and hurting places within that need attention and healing before we can feel easy and comfortable with the job, partner, or our own body.

For years, I thought having the right partner – or any partner – would make me feel worthy, valuable, satisfied. I went from relationship to relationship, looking outside myself to feel better. It was only after a series of painful break-ups, which revealed to me the depth of my own internal pain, that I realized I had to learn to love myself before I could be with someone else. In that crucible of pain, I found the key to satisfaction in romantic relationships – and in all aspects of life: to be whole and fulfilled within myself before entering a partnership.

Fulfillment is only really possible when we know ourselves inside and out – our thoughts, feelings, and actions, as well as our likes and dislikes, our values and integrity. When we make the time to really know ourselves, we gain insight and knowledge about our path and purpose, as well as the way we want to feel and behave along the way to achieving our goals and fulfilling that purpose.

Who is the True You?

Do you know yourself? Do you know yourself as well as you know your partner, or best friend, or children? Do you pay as much attention to yourself as to others? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat others? Would you call yourself a friend? If not, here are some suggestions for making your way toward becoming your own best friend.

Know Yourself – the Basics

Knowing ourselves means knowing our strengths and weaknesses – not to judge them as good or bad, enough or lacking, but just as fact. It means knowing what we like and don’t like and being ok with those preferences. Ideally, knowing ourselves means we can be clear with others about who e are and stand up for ourselves where needed, so e don’t end up compromising what’s best for us in any given situation.

Know Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions

To really know ourselves, we need awareness of how we think, feel, and act. The more conscious we are of our thoughts, the less likely we are to live out of automatic thinking and habituated, often negative, thought patterns. We tend to think the same thoughts over and over, particularly those that are deeply engrained from years of repetition. Becoming aware of what those thoughts are telling us about ourselves is critical to making change.

Similarly with feelings, if we are not aware of feelings and how to handle them, they can rule our lives automatically. If we’re easily triggered into intense emotion, if we react or overreact to situations and stimuli, then we’re likely under the influence of unconscious feelings. Becoming aware of triggers and how we react to them, understanding our feelings and their origins, and having methods for addressing feelings when they arise are key to knowing ourselves and making change.

Our actions are driven by our thoughts and feelings – the more aware and in conscious control of our thoughts and feelings, the more likely we are to be able to act in ways we feel good and comfortable about.

Know Your Values

Values are the standards we hold ourselves to, per the Oxford Dictionary:

a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.

Values not only help guide us in our actions, they also influence how we perceive and respond to our thoughts and feelings. If we value kindness, we not only want to treat people kindly, but also to have our thoughts and feelings arise out of kindness. Even when we think or feel in unkind ways, we can be kind to ourselves when it happens.

Know Your Hopes, Dreams, Passions, and Purpose

Getting in touch with our core truths and inner self includes knowing our passion and purpose. Deep down in each of us are interests that fascinate us, drive us, push us toward expression. Everyone has hopes and dreams, some are more conscious of them than others. For those who are aware of and can identify these goals, it’s a constantly evolving process, worth putting time and attention to developing. Some of us have buried our deepest drives, but hear the rumblings and vibrations still. As we get to know ourselves, we can explore the depths of our hopes and dreams, uncover our talents, validate our passions, and acknowledge our purpose. We’ll be spending more time on this topic in future blog posts.

Live in Alignment

Living in alignment means we know ourselves, and our values, and we think, feel, and act in alignment with that self-knowledge. If we believe in direct communication, and are invited to gossip about someone behind their back, we remind ourselves of our principles, rein in the thoughts, and refrain from the temptation. Living in alignment with our values is integrity.

Alignment leads to fulfillment. We can gauge when we are in alignment because we will feel good about our choices. Likewise we’ll know when we are out of alignment because we will feel badly about our actions. As we make decisions and take actions toward our goals, we become more and more clear when we are thinking, feeling, and acting from a place of integrity.

Become Your Own Best Friend

All of this self-exploration is a foundation for becoming our own best friend. To learn our likes and dislikes, understand how we think and identify our feelings, know our values and act in alignment with them, we must spend time with ourselves. Meditation, journaling, reading, writing, and reflecting are methods for taking this quality time. As we get to know and like ourselves, we become comfortable with ourselves, whether we are alone or in company with others.

Assess Yourself

How close are you to yourself? How well do you know the true you? Answer these questions:

• When you make a mistake, are you kind and forgiving to yourself?
• When you feel sad and upset, can you soothe yourself?
• Have you ever gone out by yourself – to dinner, a movie, a show?
• When feelings come up, can you identify them?
• Do you have ways to process your feelings without dumping them on others?
• When you’re not sure you’ve made the right decision, do you give yourself the benefit of the doubt?
• Can you admit your weaknesses to yourself without beating yourself up?
• When you recognize an area needing growth, are you patient with yourself?

Try experimenting this week – when you’re tempted to be harsh with yourself, ask yourself how you’d treat your best friend in the same situation.

Have you found that knowing the true you leads to deeper fulfillment in any or all aspects of life? Share an example in the comments below.