Cultivating Relationships for Fulfillment

People – can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. We are humans and we need connection, it’s part of our basic make up. And if we want a life beyond the basics, a life of fulfillment, we want relationships to match. We want relationships that feel good, where the connections are strong and warm, and with interactions that stimulate us and inspire us to grow as individuals.

Good relationships don’t just happen. Even if we learn early and at a young age how to develop close connections, we need the skills to continually navigate, build, and grow our connections with others. As we grow, we learn from those around us. The best teachers are those around us who model good relationship skills. Unfortunately, most of us tend to see poor role models and absorb less than healthy ways of interacting with others.

Luckily, it’s possible to cultivate good relationship skills no matter what we learned from our upbringing. To focus the effort, there are several categories of relationship to consider:

• Self
• Other
• World
• Beyond (the divine or however you define a spiritual connection)

Relationship with Self

Before we can relate well to others, we need to make friends with ourselves. Do you practice the same skills on yourself as you do with friends? We can develop an inner relationship by:

• Loving,
• Listening,
• Supporting,
• Encouraging,
• Spending time with, and,
• Never saying anything bad about ourselves!

Whether we intend to or not, the way we treat or think about others is a reflection of the way we treat ourselves. Self-criticism and judgment has a way of manifesting in our relationships with friends, family, children, colleagues, anyone we come into contact with. If you’re not treating yourself with kindness, it will eventually show up in your relationships. The way you treat yourself is the most powerful lesson you teach your children – no matter what you say to them or how you direct them, if they see you undervaluing yourself, they will absorb that behavior.

Key concepts to master in relationship with self include:

• Integrity
• Self-care
• Self-love
• Acceptance
• Managing feelings
• Personal responsibility

Relationships with Others

When we feel good about who we are and how we treat ourselves, we’re in a better position to interact with others in healthy ways. When we’re not certain of our own value, we tend toward codependence – tying our thoughts, feelings, and behavior to that of others.

In order to relate well with someone else, we need to have good boundaries – the understanding of where we leave off and the other person begins. What we’re responsible for in a relationship and what they are. Having a balance of expectations for each other and the ability to understand and try to meet needs on both sides leads to healthier relationships.

Key concepts to master in relationship with others include:

• Expectations
• Boundaries
• Detachment
• Need fulfillment
• Helping versus enabling
• Responding versus reacting
• Replacing judgment with acceptance

Relationship with the World

Beyond relationships with people, many of us struggle to understand how we fit into the world at large. We want to belong – to feel good in our own skin and to claim our humanity, to feel connected to family and community, and ultimately, many of us want to contribute to a better world. Where we fit in the vastness of human experience is a challenge. Relating to the world means looking closely at our skills, talents, motivations, purpose, and our passions.

Each of us must define connection at this level for ourselves. Some of us seek material success, others are active in political or religious circles. Some of us contribute in our families and communities, raising children, helping our neighbors, building our towns. There is often an element of service and contribution in our relationship to the world.

Relationship with the Beyond

Beyond self, others, and the world is the concept of connection with spirit, the divine, the universe, and what some call God. It’s not important to all of us, but for those who seek this connection, the relationship is unique, individual, and indefinable. We each find our way to connection with spirit in our own way. Some follow a religious path. Others find it through experiences too numerous to name.

I don’t presume to know anything more than my own path, and what I can share is that connection to the divine for me is powerfully connected to my relationship with self. When I connect with more than my thinking mind, I gain access to knowledge I didn’t know I had. When I have big questions, the answers often come not from my mind, but from gut feelings. I have learned to trust this intangible guidance, and to believe it is not separate from but a part of myself.

This brings us back full circle to relationship with self, a very good starting point.

I plan to continue this topic in some upcoming blog posts so that we can more fully explore each aspect of relationship.

Which category of relationship are you most interested in developing right now and why?