13 Steps to Relationship Freedom
You can have relationship freedom with or without the other person!
Good relationships are key to living a long, healthy, and satisfied life. But no matter how good your relationships are, there will always be issues and sometimes conflict. The good news is that you can work through conflict whether or not the other person is willing to work on it with you.
Conflict can take many forms – from a minor disagreement with a friend to a deep-seated conflict with a family member. Feelings around it might include anger, resentment, discomfort, anxiety, rage, or sadness. If you have negative feelings or discomfort of any sort about a relationship, you can use these steps to feel better.
The following 13 steps can give you relationship freedom.
Inner Work First
First you need to understand what happened in the relationship that is making you feel uncomfortable or upset. Taking responsibility for our own “stuff” is key to resolving the problem either internally or with the other person.
1. Understand the trigger and your reactions.
This is about understanding the situation and your response to it. Look at why you’re triggered, without blaming the other person, and ask yourself why you’re having the reaction.
2. Process your feelings.
Before you do anything, make sure you acknowledge and assess your reaction and feelings about the conflict. Get clear with yourself and process with others if needed so you can get to a calmer place.
3. Be honest and take responsibility.
What is your role in the situation? Look closely at your own behavior. Be honest about how your words and actions contributed to the conflict.
4. Decide what action to take.
You may or may not need to do anything more than the first two steps. But you may want to express your feelings to the person, apologize, or tell them what you need in the relationship.
5. Get clear on what you need to say and your motives.
If you want to re-engage with the other person, decide why – what do you want from the interaction? And get clear on how you will express yourself.
6. Practice with someone safe.
Talk it out with a trusted friend so that you can be clear and direct without blame or expectation of a particular response. Expecting someone else to respond in a specific way is a recipe for resentment.
Working with the Other Person
If you have decided you want to re-engage with the other person in the conflict, follow these steps to take responsibility for your part and release any lingering negative feelings that you have.
7. Come from a place of clear intention and good will.
Focus on your motives and make sure they are self-focused, not outcome-focused. Let go of expectations for the other person, and keep working on intention until you feel you can approach the person with good will.
8. Express your feelings with no blame for the other person.
When you meet, express your feelings clearly and keep the focus on yourself. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Avoid assuming anything about the other person..
9. Make amends for your part in the conflict.
This is more than apologizing, it is explaining how you plan to change your behavior to avoid future conflict. This is a big piece of letting go of the conflict.
10. State your need or request for future interactions.
Ask the other person to consider what you want or need in the relationship to reduce this particular conflict or possible future conflicts. Let go of whether they actually do it.
11. Stay detached from the other person’s response (good or bad).
It is important at this point to allow the other person to have their say. If they blame or judge, refrain from further reaction or escalation. If they want to resolve things, too, stay focused on your goal of expressing your feelings and asking for support in meeting your needs.
12. Stay centered in good intentions.
Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Refrain from any reactions or overreactions, and try to remain as neutral as possible. Your goal is resolution, to feel good no matter what their response.
13. Let go of the outcome.
This is perhaps the most important step—and the one that will give you peace no matter what the other person does. If you have done all the previous steps well, and you let go of how the other person responds or how the situation resolves, then you are clean and clear of the conflict. You can release the situation.
This step-by-step process is available with more detail as a downloadable PDF. Contact me for your copy.
Great advice! Communication is key in all relationships. I’ll pin this 🙂
Thanks, Beth!
A guide that will help me with clarity
So well expressed. Thank you
This is a great list, thanks for sharing! I like that it starts with your own internal self-evaluation first. That is so critical!
Great advice! Thanks for sharing!
Great list and advise. Sometimes you just have to walk away, for whatever reason, and I’ve always tried to make amends, even when I didn’t want to salvage the relationship. It isn’t always easy, nor possible, but it allowed me to close the chapter.
Maria, so true – and closure for oneself is all that is necessary for peace and sanity. Sounds like you have a lot of good emotional intelligence skills.
Oh this was good, thanks!! I am just now helping my daughter navigate difficult friendships/conflicts that can arise. I want her to start early with handling these things in a positive way – not being a “mean girls!”
So difficult for teens to stay centered and balanced, with all the drama around them. I’d be impressed with any teenager who developed these kind of communication skills. You really have to be confident in yourself. Good luck with your daughter!!
Thank you for sharing this post – lots of great suggestions for conflict resolution!
#11. “Stay detached from the other person’s response (good or bad).”
Although this step is absolutely essential, it can be SO difficult even for someone as stoic as myself.
True, very true. I have the problem of worrying what other people think of me, so this one can be challenging for sure.
Great advice here. Yes, inner work is key. Sometimes processing our reactions can be tough if we aren’t in touch where they are coming from. They really should teach these things in school. Our society could be so much healthier and happier.
Thanks, Ramae. I love that idea, and agree – emotional intelligence is the number one skill I want my children to have. You can only teach it by modeling it!
Great steps! #11 is so important and something I always struggle with! Even though I know it is vital!
I’m so with you, Hollie. It took a lot for me to be willing to let go of the other person’s response. But I’ve learned I feel a lot better if I don’t rely on their reaction being positive.
These are great tips! Validation used to have too much importance for me. I learned early on to let it go!
I’m impressed, Tricia, letting go is still one of my biggest challenges.
Great information!! So very important for everyone to utilize these types of communication skills!
Thanks, Missy! I wish more people were interested in the nitty gritty, but that’s ok. I know it took a lot of pain for me to be willing to do this work and take these steps, ha!
Saving for an easy step by step to direct my clients to. Thanks for breaking it down!
Let go of the outcome… such a good reminder. I had to learn this the hard way, but it is so true. Thank you for the reminder 🙂
Wonderful suggestions! Always working on #13 🙂
These are such good suggestions! And I love that you started by saying inner work first. That’s where change begins.
Understanding ourselves and what makes us tick is so key to becoming whole on our alone, and especially in a relationship!
These are all reallu great tips. Good reminder that any relationship is hard work, regardless of where you are at.
LET IT GOOOOO! Something i sing to myself in my head on a regular basis! I think we hold on to too much, such a simple thing that can be so hard sometimes!
Great tips! Staying detached from the other person’s response is a big one for me.
This is a good list to reference. I like how you started it off, making sure you know what triggers you, how you respond and how you can work on it.