3 Tips for Peace of Mind While Raising a Challenged Young Adult

I have helped to raise my stepchild since age 13 to a now young adult still living at home and not yet able to launch into independence due to mental health and trauma challenges. They struggle with depression, social anxiety, and post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD), among other issues. They’ve come a long, long way from the depressed and suicidal teenager who joined us over a decade ago. They are working on themselves, have a part-time job, and are very engaged and participatory in our family life. There are many positives, but they are still dependent on us, and it is unclear how long it will be until they are able to live on their own. In the process, I have learned the most important lesson of all: the only thing I have control over in this sometimes grueling, sometimes joyful process is ME. And I choose peace of mind over anxiety and turmoil.

For those of us who never thought the parenting journey would last this long and who could use a little inner peace, I have some tips that will help you gain and maintain peace of mind. When you have peace of mind, you can deal with everything else, all the daily challenges, the downward spirals, and the dark nights of the soul

Here are the top 3 tips for peace of mind when raising your challenged young adult. Note that these tips have NOTHING to do with solving the problems of your adult child. That may be completely out of our hands. These tips are all about you and how you can have peace and serenity while living in this situation.

1. TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH AND WELLNESS FIRST

It’s simple. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you can’t be there for anyone else. You may hold up well for months or even years, but eventually you will suffer from lack of self care. Take care of your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. When you’re healthy, stable, and peaceful, you’re in a much better position to help others.

Think of it as filling your gas tank. Keep yourself on full so you don’t run out of fuel. When we run out of energy and patience, we tend to get impatient, irritated, and even angry, which can lead to conflict with others in our household, especially our challenged young adult.

So put self-care first at all levels, and you will be so much more capable when your child needs your help and support. And don’t just take care of your basic self-care needs – food, sleep, exercise – but also your needs for creativity, social connection, and purpose.

If self-care seems to conflict with what your child needs, be kind about putting yourself first. Let them know what you’re doing and why. When you are a calmer and more fulfilled human being, you serve as a role model for your children.

2. DO NOT FORCE SOLUTIONS

It’s so tempting to try to fix our children, especially when they have challenges that we don’t understand or get impatient and frustrated with. We want to fix them, help them, do everything we can for them.

But doing it for them robs them of the dignity of doing it for themselves. Forcing a solution on them leads to resistance and possibly anger. I learned the hard way that any time I got forceful with my stepchild, and tried to push an idea or resource on them, I MADE IT WORSE! I achieved the exact opposite of my intention! After sending them into a few downward spirals this way, I really and truly let go of their path.

And that’s another thing, everyone has their own path. In a spiritual sense, we are all responsible for ourselves and our lives, even challenged young adults. We parents need to find the fine line between offering help and support and letting our children choose their own path. When we do our part in offering help, and let go of their choices, we will find peace of mind.

3. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE THE ANSWERS TO FIND PEACE OF MIND

This is big – you do not have to have all the answers or solve all the problems to have peace of mind. You can have it TODAY! Don’t put your life on hold until your child is “ok” or able to successfully launch.

So many of our children have complex issues that take intensive resources and a great deal of time to sort through, address, and hopefully heal. Some will never be fully independent. But that doesn’t mean WE can’t have some sanity, serenity, and peace of mind while we help them.

Let go of having to be in control, find the answers now, fix the problem, and do it all NOW. Give yourself permission to relax. Know that you are doing all you can, and that you will step up and do what is needed as more is revealed. We only found out a couple of years ago that my stepchild suffers from PTSD, and we’re still learning what that means and how we can help them. I don’t have to understand everything about trauma right now. I can trust the process of discovery.

You can, too. Your child is on a path, and you are not responsible for the outcome. You can help and support them along the way. You can help find resources, learn, discover more, offer support and love. Do what you can, be there, love them. Then let go of the outcome! You are doing what you can. You do not have to know the answer to have peace of mind now.

If you have comments, I’d love to hear them. If you have questions, or ideas, or other tips that help you find peace of mind in this seemingly unending journey, please share them in the comments below.