5 Steps to Say What You Need Without Control
If someone is doing something that bothers you and what you really want to do is make them stop, try taking these 5 steps instead. They give you the power to express your feelings and ask for what you need without trying to control the other person.
- Get clear on what exactly they are doing that is driving you crazy.Get detailed and specific. Also identify how it affects you. For example, your teen has a habit of overreacting to situations in their life and bursting into rooms yelling and spilling anger all over everyone else. It upsets you and the rest of the family.
- Shape an “I” statement to communicate your response to the situation (“When you XX, I feel YY”).“When you come in the room yelling because you’re angry with something in your life, I feel agitated and upset.”
- Identify what you want to ask for from them. (“Instead of XX, could you consider doing ZZ? That would help me feel more comfortable rather than having the YY response”).“When you’re angry about a situation, could you try to vent or talk it out another way before bursting into a room with the family? I don’t mind you sharing the situation calmly and asking for help to work on it; I would be very happy to do that.”
- Before sharing with the other person, check your motivation.Make your statements and requests from a place of calm nonjudgment. Just be factual about it, not emotional.
- Have the conversation with the person, staying as calm and detached as possible.No matter how they react, be respectful of their response. Whether they respond how you’d like them to is not in your control, so after you’ve made your request, let it go.
If the other person does not respond in a way that supports your request, and the behavior continues, remember the post from yesterday about boundaries. Move on to taking actions that protect you no matter what the other person is doing.
