6 Steps to Feel Good about Saying No

When we learn to say no to what we don’t want, we open a path to what we do want – to our “yes.” You can say no AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

Many of us learned early to say yes when we really wanted to say no.

We learn that we should put other people’s needs first. That we should please others before ourselves. That other’s happiness is more important than our own. That their feelings take precedence over ours. That self-care is selfish. That self-sacrifice is heroic.

These beliefs override our natural tendency to listen to our thoughts and feelings as a guide to making decisions. They train us to ignore our instincts to say no, to take care of our own needs, to listen to what we need for self-care before helping others.

By the time we reach adulthood, we are entrenched people pleasers who say yes when we’d rather say no, feel guilty for wanting to take care of ourselves, and carry a load of resentment.

I used to say yes when I really preferred to say no, and it led to tremendous unhappiness, frustration, and discontent. I felt my time was not my own and I resented the people and activities I engaged with.

I finally realized that saying yes when I meant no not only didn’t serve me, it was not good for those around me. I was not fully present with people who innocently wanted me around and I trailed negative energy and discontent that no one invited or deserved to be around.

Here’s the thing: if you can stand up for yourself and say no when you want to, you preserve your focus and energy for the activities you DO want to participate in.

Saying NO opens the door to YES. What do you really want to do in a given situation? Listen to yourself, honor the answer, follow your gut. The more you say no when you mean no, the more you have time and energy to say yes to what you really want.

Saying NO allows you to follow your path to YES.

It’s definitely not easy, especially for us people pleasers. Just remember that it is kinder to the other person to be honest. Because then you are not spending time when you don’t want to and bringing negative energy to it. When you say yes, you really mean yes, and you bring good, positive energy to the interaction.

Here are 6 steps for learning to say no when you mean no, and feeling good about it.

How to Feel Good About Saying No

1. Pause before you answer the request
2. Listen to your gut
   • How will you feel if you say yes?
   • How will you feel if you say no?
   • Which feels better? Or “least worst”?
3. If the answer is no, let the other person know factually and kindly
4. Don’t overexplain your decision
5. Stay calm no matter what their response
6. Let go