4 Basics to Better Relationships
You want better relationships? Start with your relationship with YOU. Here are 4 basics to building a relationship with you that will serve as the foundation to better relationships all around.
I used to look outside myself for love and attention. I was so desperate for outside validation and so out-of-touch with my own inner landscape that I actually did more damage than healing in my relationships. And any time I created stress and conflict with someone else, I went into self-torture mode for days, weeks, months, and even years. I beat myself up, I second-guessed everything I’d done, I obsessed over my past actions, I wallowed in regret. It was not a formula for relationship success.
After leaving my fiance for a drug addict/alcoholic, and descending into codependency hell, I finally realized that my problems with relationships – romantic or otherwise – was never the other person. It was ME. I was creating conflict with others and I had to look at the source.
I followed the 4 basic steps below, and slowly, little by little, got to know myself better. As I got to know myself, I began to like myself better, and understand my patterns of behavior. Eventually, I became my own best friend, treating myself with love and kindness, acceptance and forgiveness. From this solid center of knowing and being comfortable with myself, I was able to develop healthier relationships with others.
You can use these steps to create better relationships, too, by first improving your relationship with yourself.
- Know Your Needs. What are your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs on a daily basis and beyond? Do you pay attention when you’re hungry, tired, stressed? Do you acknowledge and honor your needs and take time to address them and take care of yourself?
- Understand and Manage Your Feelings. Can you identify, accept, process, and release feelings when they come up? Do you have a history of stuffing, denying, avoiding, or otherwise not processing your feelings? Did you know it takes only 90 seconds for a feeling to arise and pass away? Releasing old, pent-up feelings and learning how to allow and process new ones is a HUGE step toward loving yourself.
- Live Your Values. When you know your values, you can then align everything you say, feel, and do with those values.This is living with integrity. Make a list of your values. Sometimes to become fully aware of your values, you have to look at what you don’t like or feel comfortable in your life. Delve into the discomfort and turn it around. If you feel really uncomfortable with a family member’s sarcasm, maybe the underlying value is kindness, or perhaps more good-natured humor.
- Take a Personal Inventory. When you know your strengths and weaknesses, and truly accept them, you can build on your strengths, and improve your weaknesses, all without beating yourself up. Take a really close look at what you do well, and what could use improvement. Be as rigorous, thorough, and honest as possible.
Photo by Franciele da Silva on Unsplash
