Can You Relate to Self-Hate? Don’t Let it Be Your Fate

• Putting yourself down
• Minimizing your achievements
• Judging yourself harshly (in your head or out loud)
• Addictions (to food, substances, work, sex, gambling, other people, etc.)
• Depression
• Excessive worry
• Perfectionism
• Denying yourself pleasure

These are just a few. I’m sure we could each add many more.

There is method to the madness

The amazing thing is, these behaviors were actually, at least at some point in our lives, coping mechanisms. They allowed us to survive our family and societal environments.

For example, I suffered from depression. Depression is a suppression of feelings – I had them, but they were far too painful to experience. My family situation was not happy, and so I did not allow myself any “up” feelings because I knew they’d be followed by disappointments. Depression allowed me to ignore the pain and survive until I was in a better situation to address the original feelings.

The comfort of discomfort

Eventually, our discomfort becomes comfortable. In my case, suppressing my feelings was the lesser of two evils, painful, but better than actually experiencing them.

The pain is still there, though, and we can use it as a clue that something needs to change. For example, my suppression of feelings had a physical symptom – I felt a constant lump in my throat, like a cork in a bottleneck, like I was holding back tears.

We don’t have to stay stuck in self-hatred

I wish I could say that transforming self-hatred into self-love or self-compassion is a quick and easy process. The truth is, at least for me, it has taken many years. Awareness is the first step. Recognizing the symptoms can help us begin to build a platform from which to launch change.

What are your symptoms? Make a list.

What will get you unstuck?

My theory is that most of us have to hit a bottom – where we experience enough pain from our coping mechanisms that we decide we have to do something different. Some may experience it as, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

I’ve had several bottoms, all related to love relationships. The worst was falling in love with an addict. He was addicted to a substance, I became addicted to him – or rather, to trying to control him. Only when I saw the depths to which my behavior was taking me could I admit I needed help and actually try something different. That effort led me to examine my own feelings toward myself, which I discovered were the true source of my need to focus on controlling someone else. That “addiction” was merely a distraction. The true work was healing myself, learning to have compassion for myself and my feelings, both past and present.

Are you ready to try something different?

If you are, there’s an easy place to start. Attack self-hatred at the source by treating yourself with compassion. You may not want to, you may not think you deserve it, but do it anyway. Be kind to yourself. Start with simple, basic self-care.

• Do you eat when you’re hungry?
• Do you exercise when your body needs it?
• Do you rest when you’re tired?

Learning to eat well, move healthfully, and rest fully goes a long way to feeling better about ourselves and about life. Of course, our needs get more complicated.

• Can you recognize your feelings when they come up?
• Can you allow your feelings without judging them?
• Can you express them appropriately?
• Do you have people to talk to who understand?
• Can you ask for help and support?
• Do you allow yourself comfort when difficult feelings come up?

The best thing I did for myself in my fight against self-hatred was to practice being kind to myself. It was not natural, and I had to coach myself to do it. I often had to pretend I felt it, to “act as if” I believed I deserved my own kindness. But I started to treat myself as I would a good friend. I wouldn’t encourage a friend to mercilessly beat themselves up, so why do it to myself? I often forgot and fell into old patterns, but I just kept coming back to it, forgiving myself my mistakes, allowing my slips without judgment, and deciding to try again. Over time, the repetition sunk in, until self-caring actions became habitual and self-negation the anomaly.

What weapons have you used in the fight against self-hatred?