Serenity Challenge: Don’t Take This Personally!
Try this serenity challenge: Stop Taking Things Personally! Can you do it? Where are you on the continuum of taking everything personally versus staying emotionally detached?
I used to take EVERYTHING personally. My sense of self was so fragile that if a friend huffed in my direction I thought I was the most horrible person on earth. I allowed other people’s words and actions to define how I felt about myself.
Now I am able to separate myself from other people and situations, even when they actually are directing negativity toward me. After much work, I know and feel good about myself, no matter what others project.
We can move up the continuum by building self-esteem. The better we feel about who we are, the less it matters what others think of us. We no longer define ourselves by their reactions to us but by how we feel inside. When we know who we are, it is easier to separate from others and to know that their thoughts and feelings are not a reflection of us.
Here are some self-esteem builders:
- Spend time with yourself and get to know what you like and what you don’t, without reference to others’ preferences
- Eat foods you like
- Get enough sleep
- Give yourself permission to do something fun, for no reason
- When friends ask what you want to do, instead of saying, “Whatever you want,” actually pause to check what you would like most
- Use your creative energy, do something that gives you joy – draw, sing, write, take photographs, play music, put together a fashionable outfit, make a piece of furniture, figure out and fix the car
Can You Detach?
Detachment. n. The act or process of disconnecting or detaching; separation.
—The American Heritage Dictionary
Do you know where you end and others begin? Or do you think other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions as your responsibility?
I used to take my cue for the day, the week, the moment, from those around me, my friends, my boss, my boyfriend, even strangers I passed on the street. All could instantly influence my mood. Eventually, I became so disconnected from myself, and unhappy, that I was desperate enough to try something different.
One day it dawned on me:
Just because someone else is in a bad mood does not mean I have to be.
I could make a different choice!
These techniques help with detaching:
- Stop, think, pause before you react
- In that pause, get in touch with your own thoughts and feelings
- Consider where the other person is coming from – they have their own struggles and sorrows that have nothing to do with you
- Know that you have options – engage, walk away, listen, respond, postpone, etc.
- Take an action, or not, and let go of the outcome
Detachment does not mean indifference or disregard. It carries with it the concept of compassion. Staying calm and observant of others from a caring place allows for each person to experience and express their perspective.
In detachment, each person is responsible for his or her feelings. You do not make me feel anything. I do not make you feel anything. My reactions are mine alone. Your feelings are your responsibility, even if I deliberately try to hurt you.
Take a Test
Imagine yourself in these situations – how do you feel when…
- …your best friend says, “Wow, you’re looking tired today!”
- …your wife complains, “You let me down when you showed up late to the show.”
- …your boss tells you, “You really embarrassed me in that situation with the client.”
- …your father comments, “You were so mean to that cashier, why are you so angry?”
What if you think these statements are false?
What if you think they are true?
Does that change your feeling?
While the intent behind the words is important to our long-term decisions in the relationship, it is always possible to maintain detachment in the immediacy of the moment. Other people’s words and intentions are their responsibility. We can pause, recognize they are going through their own experience, consider our choices for responses, and let it go.
Have you taken something personally today? Could you try detachment next time? What different choice might you make in your response?
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
