What’s at the Root of Romantic Relationship Obsession?

If you are overly focused on romantic relationships, perhaps to the point of obsession, look to the root of the problem: you may be suffering from codependency.

What is codependency? It’s got a formal definition, but here are some clues to determine whether you might be codependent on your romantic relationships:

• Do you need a romantic relationship to feel a sense of self-worth and validation?
  
• If you’re not in a romantic relationship, are you obsessed with finding someone to date and be with?
  
• Are your feelings strongly influenced by the other person? For example, if they’re happy, you’re happy; if they’re sad, you’re sad?
  
• Do you take responsibility for their feelings? If they’re upset or angry, do you feel it’s your fault?
  
• Are you obsessively focused on your partner, wanting knowledge and control of their whereabouts and activities?
  
• Does rejection from your romantic partner put you into a tailspin of self-recriminations and self-hatred?
  
• Do you feel unloveable without a romantic relationship?
  

If you answer yes to these or similar questions, you are allowing your emotional well-being to be defined by your relationship. Codependence means allowing your emotional health to depend on what another person is thinking, feeling, or doing.

What drives this codependence? It usually stems from some sort of early damage to our internal emotional development. Something happened to disconnect us from our emotional truths. There are many ways this can happen:

• Don’t feel this, feel that (disconnects us from feelings)
  
• Don’t be this, be that (impacts identity)
  
• Don’t do that, do this (loss of integrity)
  
• Don’t do as I do, do as I say (leads to dishonesty)
  
• Don’t have that, have this (don’t trust yourself)
  
• Don’t like this, like that (dependency on others’ opinions)
  
• Don’t follow your instincts, please others
  
• Don’t learn this, learn that (ignore your passions, talents, potential skills)
  
• Don’t love that one, love this one
  
• Don’t take care of self first, take care of others (develops co-dependence)
  

When we’re disconnected from our emotional knowledge, we lose our ability to use emotions as a navigation and guidance system for making good decisions about relationship with others and with the world around us.

My disconnect happened early, when I had no adults around me who could listen and understand when I expressed my feelings of sadness, confusion, and despair over a difficult family situation. The adults around me were loving; they just had very little ability to understand and manage feelings themselves, never mind teach me how to process and let go of emotion.

And so I ended up stuffing those feelings down to avoid dealing with them. Eventually I lost touch with myself, and looked outside myself to find love, self-worth, and validation. I learned to dislike and even hate myself, and eventually became focused on romantic relationships as a way to feel worthy of love and self-worth. I NEEDED someone else to love me, thinking that would make me feel better. Of course, it never did.

But it took getting into the worst relationship of my life, before I finally faced the real causes of my codependency.

If you’re reading this, you may have some version of romantic relationship obsession and codependency. If you’re sick and tired of the negative cycle of chasing love and never truly finding what you’re looking for, you may be ready to face the real problem. The good news is, you’re aware of it, and you have a starting point for identifying where your emotional navigation system may be damaged. What is driving you to look outside yourself for love and value?

We’ll explore that question in future blog posts.