The Hole in Your Soul and How to Fix It
What drives us to romantic relationships for love and validation?
There’s a hole in our souls. And we’re trying to fill it.
The hole is a spiritual and psychological wound. Somewhere, somehow, we learned to believe that we are not worthy of love. That we aren’t valued for who we are, just as we are. That we aren’t enough. That we need someone else, something else, to prove our innate value.
If you crave the love and attention of a romantic partner, you’re likely looking to fill that hole. You think that a romantic relationship will provide the love, self-worth, validation, value that you lost touch with long ago.
The problem is that no romantic relationship can fill the hole. Even IF we somehow (miraculously) end up in a healthy romantic relationship, all the love in the world showered upon us will not fill the emptiness. Others can NEVER make us feel loved if we don’t already have self-worth and self-love.
If you’re obsessed with romantic relationships, as I was, it’s more likely you end up in unhealthy dating or partner relationships. I believed that if I found the right partner, I would feel better about myself. Who was the right partner? Someone who I found impossibly attractive. Who adored me and told me all the reasons why. And you know what? When I found that person, all the love he slathered me with didn’t make me feel better about myself. Of course, there were other issues, like the little problem of his drug and alcohol addiction. The hole in my soul remained, despite his love for me, his validation of me, and his near worship of me.
Another person or relationship will never fill the hole in your soul. For that, you have to do some deep work:
- Look at your own psychological wounds – where did they come from and how do they affect you?
- Understand your coping mechanisms, including pursuit of romantic relationships, and start watching them closely
- Get to know and love yourself – what are your strengths and weaknesses?
- Make a list of your needs in a relationship (you might want to start with what you DON’T want or need)
- Develop the possibility of new behaviors – how do you WANT to be in a relationship
- Visualize your ideal partner/relationship
- Take care of yourself, get good with yourself, before diving into the next relationship
- Practice some of the new behaviors – observe, give yourself feedback, make adjustments
- Put yourself first in all relationships – it’s only when you feel good about you that you can bring your best to other people
The hole in our souls is ultimately a disconnection from ourselves. We need to heal that connection, through self-awareness and self-knowledge and self-care.
Heal the hole with kind and loving thoughts, feelings, and actions. Give yourself a break, forgive yourself, and encourage yourself in new ways of being.
You can reconnect with yourself, heal your wounds, and be whole and healthy when going into a romantic relationship. Start small, take steps every day, and be kind to yourself in the process.
You don’t need a relationship with a lover to heal and be whole, you just need that simple, comforting, reliable relationship with yourself.
