Self-Care Is Other Care

Self-care is other care. Putting yourself first is the best thing you can do to help others, including the person you’re dating. Wait you say, isn’t that just selfishness? It certainly seems to run counter to what we learn growing up. We’re taught to think of others, consider their feelings, and take care of them, while simultaneously discouraged from doing the same for ourselves.

But here’s the problem with putting others first – eventually we run out of energy. If a human being is a well, then every time someone draws up water, the water level goes down. Unless there’s a source of new water, the well will go dry. What is the source for human giving? In broad terms, it’s the ability to fill our own well – knowing and fulfilling our own needs before turning attention to helping others. This process looks different for every person. Energy sources might be God, relationships, work we love, leisure activities, or anything that brings you peace, joy, and fulfillment.

Especially for those of us who focus on others as the source of our self-worth, including a focus on romantic partners, learning this lesson is crucial. It means UNLEARNING the lessons of our youth that taught us to seek love and self-worth from others. Self-care, if practiced regularly and assiduously, is a method for shifting this unhealthy pattern.

But you have to stick to it! When I was learning these lessons, I wanted to drop self-care at the drop of a hat to run to my romantic bad boy. I’d give up sleep, say no to fun with friends, and lose my serenity over a chance to hang out with him. It was a slow replacement of knee-jerk codependent actions with reasoned, sane choices for taking care of myself. Eventually I could choose a good night’s sleep to restore my energy over a late night expending energy listening to my boyfriend’s band while seeking and barely getting his attention.

Here are 7 reasons to turn conventional wisdom on its head and put yourself first to help others:

1. When we have enough, it’s easier to give – Giving from a negative place – neediness, guilt, lack – does not serve us or the other person. Visiting with a sick friend or older relative out of obligation not only damages our spirit but can hurt the person we’re with. If we have low energy or a poor attitude, the other person can usually feel it at some level. Giving to a romantic relationship that is one-sided or unbalanced means a drain on our energy. When we take the time to care for ourselves, we value ourselves, and don’t need to seek anything from others. Giving when we feel good, happy, and fulfilled is a much more beneficial experience for all involved.
   
2. Knowing ourselves reduces expectations – Many of us focus on helping others as a way to avoid ourselves. We may even have an expectation that the other person will appreciate the help and thus feed our egos. This is especially true in romantic obsession – we give to our partner thinking they will provide love, appreciation, and validation in return. Do you know what you need for your emotional, physical, and spiritual health? By putting ourselves first, we begin to gain clarity on these questions. Are you looking for your partner to make you feel better, or do you know how to self-soothe? The more we know ourselves, the less we have to hope the other person will make us feel better.
   
3. Clear motivations support healthy relationships – Putting self first can provide us the opportunity to examine our motives. Are we helping that friend move because we have the time and energy, or because we are afraid they won’t like us if we don’t? Asking ourselves why we are helping and answering honestly leads us to give from a healthy rather than a needy place.
   
4. We take the pressure off others – One of the convoluted reasons we put others first is because we think that by taking care of them, they’ll reciprocate. We’re looking outside ourselves for a way to take care of ourselves. When we stop pushing our needs on others, we take back the power to care for ourselves, and also free up others to be more authentic with us. Ironically, often when we stop pursuing our love interest so intensively, but instead step back and take care of ourselves, they are drawn to our strength rather than repelled by our neediness.
   
5. What we give to ourselves, we have for others – Whatever we’re seeking from others, consider that we can give it to ourselves. This is true for love, self-worth, compassion, gentleness, kindness, consideration, sensitivity, anything we’re seeking from others. When we practice self-care and offer ourselves these kindnesses, we nurture and comfort ourselves. From a place of serenity and strength, we are then much more able to offer them to others without strings attached.
   
6. Being less needy allows others to be themselves – When we know how to identify your needs and have a range of options for fulfilling them, we do not have to rely on others, especially a romantic partner, to do it for us. We can see others more clearly, be with them without wanting something, and open ourselves to real exchange. They feel less pressure to perform or provide for us, and can also be themselves.
   
7. We become role models for others – Especially when we have children in our lives, we can demonstrate that self-care is actually a way to care for others. When we are in a good place mentally and emotionally, we are much more equipped to deal with the demands and emotional upsets of others, less reactive, and more compassionate. All of these are key to healthy interactions with others.
   

Both self-care and care of others are important and work best when in balance. When we fill our own well with self-care, we can not only share water with others, but begin to receive the rainfall that showers down on us.

Have you filled your well today? What are you doing to put yourself first today, and how is that helping others?