You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Stuff
To break the cycle of codependency, you’ve got to stand your ground on this truth: other people’s stuff is not your stuff! When someone you care about, especially a love interest you’re obsessed with, has a feeling or reaction, it does not mean you have to take that on.
You are responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions, NO ONE ELSE’S. Don’t take on other people’s stuff. Stay focused on your own stuff and take responsibility for it. Let others take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and actions. This is super hard. But you’re a superhero. You can do it!
This concept is incredibly hard to believe, internalize, and process if you have patterns of thought that tell you that you are responsible for or have the power to impact someone else’s moods. Many of us have developed coping mechanisms that focus on other people’s feelings and needs and try to manage them for our own safety and sanity.
In my family, there was a lot of tension and conflict between family members. To avoid contributing to conflict, I managed myself into the “good girl” box. I made no trouble at school, got good grades, and never rebelled. My coping mechanism was to withdraw to avoid the emotional outbursts around me. While it helped me get through those times, it also led to depression, stuffing down my feelings, and a hypervigilant focus on others’ behavior to keep myself emotionally safe.
And that became an engrained pattern – to focus on others’ emotional states as a guide to how I should feel. If others were fighting, I went into fight-or-flight mode to protect myself, my body in a high state of alert. If things were quieter, I could relax somewhat, although I maintained a sort of background hypervigilance at all times, just in case something went sideways.
Hypervigilance is an awesome characteristic for a superhero, soldier, or anyone facing imminent danger. It is a stressful, health-eroding, exhausting way of life. Codependence is essential for an infant reliant on its parents to learn and develop. It is debilitating for an adult seeking healthy relationships.
You came to your codependence honestly. There were good reasons for it when you were younger. But it’s only getting in the way now, when you’re looking for a healthy romantic partnership. So how do you start drawing the lines between other people’s stuff and your own? Here are some steps to take:
- Describe the conflict or situation that’s giving you discomfort or unease
- What were your thoughts, feelings, and actions?
- What were the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions (that they have expressed, not what you imagine)?
- What was your motivation or intention for the interaction?
- Can you take responsibility for your part in the situation and are you willing to do something differently the next time?
- Can you allow the other person the dignity of their feelings and reactions without taking them on or trying to change or “make it better” for them, but simply acknowledge them?
- Make a plan for the next time – what can you do differently?
- Let go of expectations from the other person, just focus on feeling good about your motivation and goals for the interaction.
This process helps you stay focused on yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and inner knowledge, distinct from the other person. When you focus on what you know and need in a particular situation, and bring a calm, balanced approach to the interaction, you can feel good no matter what the other person says or does. This is the beginning of drawing the emotional line between your stuff and their stuff.
Are you ready to step back from taking on other people’s stuff? Put on your superhero cape and own your own stuff, yes! That is healthy. But put aside everyone else’s mishigas (craziness). It’s not yours and it is not healthy to take it on. It won’t help the other person or your relationship. Let them work through their own stuff. You can be caring and supportive, but don’t take responsibility for their feelings.
Let’s hear your plan for stepping back from other people’s stuff!
