How I Found Peace in Relationships

I hit my lowest emotional point ever when I broke up (for the LAST time) with my alcoholic boyfriend and realized that HE was not the problem, I WAS THE PROBLEM. 

I was never going to have peace of mind in my romantic (or any) relationship unless I looked at and worked on my own negative and codependent behaviors. At my low self-esteem and self-loathing. At my need for attention, love, and validation from someone else.

All my life I had been the good girl who got good grades and never got in trouble, who focused on keeping the peace among others and had no opinions but those I thought others wanted me to have. I would do anything to hear other people confirm that I was worthy of love, attention, and value.

All of these efforts led to depression, anxiety, and codependency. I had no idea how to have healthy relationships, only to focus on giving what I thought others wanted from me. As a result, my interactions with friends, family, or romantic partners often produced uncertainty, anxiety, resentment, and confusion. 

I just wanted peace of mind. I wanted to be able to interact with people without doubting myself, feeling I’d made a mistake, beating myself up, or dwelling on it for weeks, months, or even years. I wanted ease and clarity in my relationships. I wanted a life partner I was passionate about and with whom I could be myself.

I tried everything I could think of. Therapy, emotion work, journaling, self-help resources and tools, medication. And it helped. I made progress in understanding myself and releasing some of the toxic emotions I’d carried around since childhood. 

But I still sacrificed my needs to others. I was passive in friendships, letting others direct our path, and never saying no. I was angry and resentful in family relationships, blaming them for the past and its impact on me. I grasped at romantic relationships, wanting only to be with someone, anyone, who wanted to be with me.

And then I met the alcoholic. Oh, was he charming. He was the bad boy I never dated in high school. And he absolutely adored me, providing an overwhelming flood of love and validation that I couldn’t resist. I started behaving in ways I never thought I would. And it started having a negative impact on my life. I lost sleep, serenity, and my sanity. I lost my cool and found my rage. I lost my valuables, a good deal of money, and eventually my apartment. 

I was as far from peace of mind as I had ever been. I was so lost, I barely recognized myself. I was sad, scared, and desperate. 

Because others in my family had been through similar situations, they helped me find help through a mutual support group. I glommed onto every suggestion and every tool that was offered. I was relentless in my pursuit of help – at first for my boyfriend and then more and more for myself. I wanted to feel better. I wanted that peace of mind I’d been seeking since childhood, and that now seemed impossibly far away.

Slowly, I found a way forward. I found tools and techniques that helped me while I was in the relationship and then that helped me get out of it. I would break up with him, and then get sucked back in. It was a very incremental process, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. I did this over and over, until I finally realized that he might never change, and more important, that I did not like who I became when I was with him. 

That’s when I was finally able to break up with him for the LAST time. And that’s when I had my huge realization: HE was not the problem. I WAS THE PROBLEM.

At this, my lowest emotional point ever, I decided I was going to do whatever it took to feel better. I got painfully honest, examined my patterns of thought and behavior, and dug deep to understand where they came from. 

I released the old patterns and embraced new behaviors, practicing over and over until I mastered them. I treated myself with kindness and patience, as I would a beloved friend or family member. I forgave myself.

I delved into my values, defining what was important to me and what no longer served me. I aligned my thoughts, feelings, and actions to those values. This meant that in any relationship interaction, I was guided by my inner knowledge rather than outside pressures.

Because I was tired of feeling discomfort, anxiety, and other negative feelings in my relationships, I developed practical processes, steps I could take in any relationship interaction so that I could always feel proud of my behavior. 

And I did all this work without having to change other people. I didn’t change my alcoholic boyfriend. Or my parents, siblings, friends, or colleagues. All I did was focus on my inner work.

Eventually I cleared the old patterns of codependency and reliance on others to feel worthy and built a strong foundation in self-love, self-care, and self-worth. I learned how to put myself first so I could be there for others, how to stay calm and steady in the face of relationship challenges, and how to feel safe, comfortable, and serene in a world I can’t control. 

Today I know and love who I am. I feel good about my relationships, and I love serving others seeking to find peace of mind in their relationships – with themselves, with others, and with the world. It’s my passion. I believe that as more people know and love themselves and learn to build healthier relationships, the world will be a better place.

That’s why I love sharing what I’ve learned, in practical tips, tools, and techniques, as a life coach. I offer a free introductory call to explore whether working together is a good fit for you.