4 Steps to Set a Boundary

When you know how to set a boundary, you have the power to protect your peace of mind. This post offers a 4-step process for setting and keeping a boundary.

Setting boundaries is NOT about controlling someone else.

Setting boundaries is for YOU.

Boundaries protect you from unacceptable behavior. They depend only on you and your actions, not on anyone else’s response.

A boundary governs only YOUR behavior. It is a guide for you to how you will handle the unacceptable behavior.

This is fantastic information! How incredibly freeing: boundaries are in your control! They do not rely on someone else’s behavior! You are not saying, “You must do this (fill in the blank) so that I can feel safe.” You are saying, “If you do this, I will take action to protect myself.” This puts the power in your hands and short-circuits the endless cycle of blame, resentment, and recriminations.

Here are the 4 steps to set a boundary:

1. Identify the unacceptable behavior.
2. Take time to think about the action you can take to protect yourself from the behavior. Remember that you have choices in your response. Define your boundary. “If they do X, I will protect myself by doing Y.”
3. If it helps you, share the boundary with the person. (optional)
4. If X happens, actually do Y. Never set an ultimatum unless you are prepared to act on it.  If the person finds ways to violate your boundary, consider additional ways to set and keep your boundary.

The hardest emotional boundary I ever had to set was when I broke up with my alcoholic/addict boyfriend. My reasons for breaking up were about me, not him. I did not break up with him because he seemed unable to commit to sobriety and recovery. I accepted that he might never change.

However, I recognized that if he did not, I could not live with him. When I was with him, I became obsessive and controlling. In the end, even though I was still in love with him, I broke up with him because I did not like who I became in the relationship.

But to stay broken up, I had to set a boundary:

1. His unacceptable behavior was his continued substance use; my unacceptable behavior was trying to control his substance use.
2. I set a boundary to have no contact with him. I knew – from multiple previously attempted break-ups with him – that if I engaged with him in any way, whether conversation or meeting, I allowed myself to get drawn back into the relationship.
3. My boundary of no contact did not stop him from contacting me. He called. He left musical messages. He left cards on my car. He even, computer-phobe that he was, got an e-mail address and sent me messages.
4. My boundary did not control what he did. It was for me. When he called, I didn’t pick up. I did not respond to his messages left on my car or door. I ignored his e-mails. And eventually they lessened and after several years and my eventual marriage to someone else, stopped entirely.

Holding this boundary was not easy. I am not naturally hard-hearted. Inside I was sad. I felt love for this person. Yet I could not express that, at least to him, because it would begin the cycle of the unhealthy relationship again.

I kept saying no, and acting on it, from the knowledge I’d gained from previous experience with him. I knew that nothing changes if nothing changes. I said no from a place of self-love and protection and also from loving him. It was kinder to let him go than continue a downward spiral that neither of us would benefit from.

You don’t have to put up with unacceptable behavior. You can set boundaries and protect yourself. Where would you like to start?

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash